


Memories, the Painful and the Wonderful

by SaturnWrites



Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: F/M, Guilt, Masturbation, Memories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-17
Updated: 2018-05-17
Packaged: 2019-05-08 04:27:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14686467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaturnWrites/pseuds/SaturnWrites
Summary: Fenris cannot bring himself to be with Hawke, for fear of his past memories being ripped away again. Three years after their night together, Fenris still finds himself yearning for Hawke, but he can't let himself be with her.





	Memories, the Painful and the Wonderful

**Author's Note:**

> A short fic, but I feel like this is much more in character and well written than my last fic. Please let me know what you think!

Three years. Three damned years since he felt Hawke’s touch. The softness of her skin and the silk smooth texture of her hair lingered in his mind like it had been carved into the back of his skull. Fenris remembered every detail as if it were yesterday. The night he spent with Hawke replayed over and over in his mind day in and day out. Yet he left her. He allowed himself to give in to his feelings, and then ripped himself away from her without a moment's notice. The memories that were brought back then taken away scared him. To know, then not to know. To feel, then not to feel. It was horrible. He couldn’t bring himself to go back to Hawke. If he told her how he really felt, he was afraid his memories might come back and be ripped away again like some sort of twisted seesaw. 

He had gone three years without the touch of the woman he was so hopelessly in love with. It seemed obvious, his feelings, to most of Hawke’s companions. They often teased him about his feelings for Hawke, yet he denied them without hesitation. He lied without hesitation. Every now and then he caught a glimpse of Hawke’s face as he denied his love for her. Her usual demeanor was dampened and sad for a moment before she put on her happy go lucky facade once again. He could tell it hurt her. That humorous mask she wore only hid so much. It killed Fenris inside to hurt her like this, but he just couldn’t bear to be in love. Not yet. Maybe not ever. 

Fenris knew he was in love with Hawke and he knew Hawke was just as in love with him. It made for a difficult time pushing her out of his mind. He followed at her heel like a lost puppy, the thoughts of their night together still fresh in his thoughts after all these years. They would never go away and he couldn’t bring himself to leave her side.   
He found his only solace from his romantic feelings at night. All alone in the dark mansion of his former master, his painful romantic thoughts melted away into the lustful remembrances of how Hawke felt. Fenris knew this was the only way to keep himself away from Hawke. He had to sedate his longing for Hawke with the palm of his hand. To him, it was selfish and greedy, getting off to the memories of her while she laid alone in her bed, but Fenris knew of no other way to keep himself from breaking down the door to her estate and taking her in the flesh. If he allowed himself to do so, the memories of his past life would torture him again. It was a chance he could not take. Instead in laid on the cold ground of his bedroom as he recalled the night. The stone dug into his back and was anything but comfortable. This was his way of punishing himself for his deeds. It was a pathetic sight, and he knew it. He slipped his member out of his pants, stroking it carefully and slowly, just as Hawke had done to get him hard. He shivered at the way her fingers had felt. He remembered the way she teased him a bit, that adorable smirk upon her face as her touch made his moans echo throughout her bedroom. 

Fenris quickened the pace of his wrist, taking long strokes up and down his cock. The picture of Hawke positioning herself to ride him clear in his mind. He had nearly gone mad with pleasure the moment he entered her. If he had felt anything like that before, it was a long since gone memory. It would take another lyrium ritual to forget such a heavenly feeling. He remembered thinking Hawke must have been some sort of goddess from some religion he never heard of. The way she expertly rode him was proof enough. No mortal woman should be capable of making him feel so good, but yet Hawke did. 

Speeding up once again as he felt his oncoming orgasm, Fenris recalled Hawke’s own release. He remembered those heavenly sounds she made as her thighs pressed her down firmly onto his erection. The way she threw her head back, her hair whipping behind her, revealing every inch of her glorious face, was etched into his mind. Fenris had never seen such a beautiful sight, and even the memory of it was enough to send him over the edge. His hot cum shot up into the air, landing onto his bare chest. 

He laid on the ground awhile, partly to catch his breath and partly to reflect. He panted heavily as his heartbeat began to slow back to normal. Guilt filled his lungs, making it feel as though he was drowning in his selfishness, as it did every time the memory of Hawke came to him at night. He thought about Hawke laying in bed alone again. Here he was, pleasuring himself while she stayed lonely. It sickened him to his core, but it couldn’t be helped. As much as he wanted to go to her, he just couldn’t. It would be too painful and too much for her to understand. He thought of going to her, begging for her forgiveness for his foolishness, but no, it was better this way. 

After getting up and cleaning himself off, Fenris’ gaze drifted to the stip of fabric he kept tied around his wrist. The deep red of Hawke’s bedsheet drew a soft smile onto his face. It was her favorite color after all. He hoped she hadn’t notice that he had ripped it from her sheets after she had fallen asleep that night, but he feared she may have noticed. That little piece of fabric brought him a bit of happiness in the darkness of his life. It still even faintly smelled of her after all this time. The light scent of lilacs and freshly split wood lingered on the fabric. It calmed and soothed Fenris even after the worst of his nightmares. It was the closest he would ever get to her again as he could not give in to his feelings.   
To allow himself to love Hawke would be pain. At this time, he felt as if the love and happiness Hawke would bring him would never outweigh the pain and hurt he would feel as his old memories would bubble up again, only to pop and be forgotten in a flash. He could not let that happen again.  
No matter how much he truly loved her.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments appreciated! They're what keep me writing!


End file.
